april 02, 2025
hope_descendents.mp3
starting is always the hardest part...
this site has been up for quite some time, and when i started it, i was really adamant about having a dedicated page for blogging. however, i think i really overthought just what exactly is a blog supposed to contain. to be honest, the first few months with this site was me gawking over how much flashy coding tricks i could creatively copy from other websites or just sharing my love of music with people through my monthly spotlight section of my homepage.
i think after all the years i've spent as a teen on places like snapchat, twitter, and unsupervised chatrooms, i slowly became desensitized over what aspects of my life i should or shouldn't share with strangers or online friends. it became such a routine to update everyone on what i grabbed to eat, how late i got to work, or what new photocard i got in the mail. in hindsight, these details of my life are just tidbits of information that people will soon forget within the next day or so, but especially when i was younger, i felt like i had to share more. i feel like i had to tell everybody everything.
it didn't help that social media was slowly being less about 'socializing with others' and more 'viral hits and ragebait'. before instagram was bought out by meta, you could actually see your friends post photos in real time, and once you reached the end of your friends' latest posts, that would be it. no targeted ads, no endless scrolling, no posts that were 'suggested for you'. i guess i took that golden age of the internet for granted. lately, i've begun taking some steps to reassess how i consume social media, and more importantly, find ways to disconnect from a world that constantly demands your attention and presence online.
i think before i get into the real bulk of this post, i figured i'd add some further context about my life so far. around this time last year, i decided to quit my toxic job in order to pursue my lifelong passion of graphic design. *insert the meme here* i graduated with my associates back in december of 2023 with honors and with several awards to my name. i thought very highly of myself compared to my peers, and compared to them, i thought i totally had a chance at ending up in some design studio out of town, or even taking on the challenge of pre-press design. i even thought that just maybe, i could be like one of those niche microcelebrity designers on instagram that just design band merch and admats all day.
i should've known right then and there i wasn't ready.
that summer, i was doing some design work for my friend's job. it wasn't much, but it kept me busy. although i never said it outright, i was desperate to turn this into something full-time. i quickly got a taste of preparing vector graphics for print, practicing different styles of illustration design, and even being able to see my work get printed out on real apparel. everything culminated in a two-week extravaganza in louisville, kentucky, where we got to set up shop and sell merch every day to a bunch of prospective student athletes. it was grueling work, and if i'm being honest, i don't even think my 3 year fast food experience could prepare me for the amount of interactions and sales we saw. it overwhelmed me. i even remember my friend joking to me at some point before this trip telling me there would be "no hard feelings" if this trip "makes you stop being friends with me". we'd get up at 6am and wouldn't get back to our airbnb until 11pm. most of the time i was running off red bull and week-old chicken alfredo from some catering event. there was so much turmoil inside me - for one, it was amazing to see so many people buy stuff i designed and help sell it; but on the other hand, the schedule was so hectic and i was so far away from my family...and worst of all, i was running low on cash.
despite it all, i survived and i was paid generously for my contributions. when i came back home, it was all about leisure and figuring out ways to spend all this money. i was buying concert tickets and merch like it was no one's business. and with that came a bunch of online flexing about how i got to see ateez on back to back tour dates without even having a job to my name. i figured once i had spent all my money, only then would i start looking for a job.
seriously, what the fuck was i thinking?
the time is now november, and by now, i'm in a full depressive episode. i barely talked with my friends, i would never leave the house, i would spend hours bedrotting and doomscrolling. i would apply to about 20 jobs on a good week. there were a few prospective employers early on who had invited me over for initial interviews, but those hardly went anywhere. i was anxious, i felt so alone, and worst of all, i felt burdened because i didn't have money - and in an internet age where everyone is trying to buy your attention or sell you something, it was by far the most dystopian shit i've ever felt in my entire life. it was around this time that i decided to start keeping a real journal. nothing fancy, and definitely nothing with any real structure, but just something as a form of letting out all these emotions i've been feeling.
this cycle went on for several months. it became a weekly goal to send out 15 job applications, but with the help of my friend hal, i finally freshened up my resume and each application felt more confident than the last. truthfully, my 2025 had a very rocky start, but i set out a few simple goals for myself on my notes app:
- get a freaking job lmao
- fill an entire sketchbook
- read at least 5 books
something about the start of a new year always makes me feel like i have an actual chance to start over. sometimes i feel like the poster boy for all those new years superstitions and resolution lists. but despite it all, i kept my head held high and knew that things were going to be different this time.
and holy shit, it actually fucking worked.
i started spending a bit less time scrolling social media and stopped comparing myself to other creators. i made my own little diy sketchbook and started drawing a lot more frequently. admittedly, i started journalling less, but that was partially due to me venturing out into different hobbies. i started practicing bass more often (currently learned 23 songs!), cleaning out and organizing my depression room, and more importantly, i started putting my health first. before i knew it, i finished an entire sketchbook back in february, completing one of my goals for this year. and for the first time in a long time, i felt unstoppable.
fast forward to march, where i come across a post made by a former professor regarding a design-related job. honestly, i have very little professional experience outside of school and the handful of obscure client work i've taken on in the past. but i was feeling eager and at this point i had nothing left to lose, so i applied. i was surprised to see this job respond so quickly, and they invited me for an initial interview. one interview soon turned into two, then three. each interview being more intensive than the last, however this time around, i felt like i knew all the answers to all the questions they had for me. probably because i've already been through so many interviews in the past year, but mostly because these interviews just felt different. it felt like for the first time, my ideas and skills were actually being acknowledged. shortly before the end of march, i received a call from the employer asking if i would accept their offer. of course i said yes.
i feel like i had to acknowledge my unemployment era because for better or worse, it changed me. it changed the way i looked at social media, it changed the way i interacted with people, and it changed my mindset heading into this new chapter of my life. in the beginning of this blog, i mentioned i felt that i had to share everything with everyone. and in a way, this blog is me writing a synopsis of this unusual time in my life so that i can finally move on. i had such shame of calling myself "unemployed" on public social media because of the negative connotations associated with it. there were days where i truly felt i would be stuck in this cycle forever. but now, all i can do is be appreciative and kind to my past self for holding on and seeing the light. so now, i unleash this chapter of my life into the iatecivilization stratosphere, hoping to close it once and for all and look forward to what the future has in store for me.
“You know I'll be there, my day will come. . .I know someday, I'll be the only one”
Descendents – "Hope"